Mother’s day is coming again and it causes me some anxiety as soon as we hit the beginning of May. My mom is still alive but we’re estranged and have been for over 30 years. Her choice not mine … and that definitely makes it harder for me.
How do you get through one of the biggest celebrations humans celebrate when your mom won’t even acknowledge your existence?
When I was first shunned by my mother it was devastating. Like seriously, if you’re mom doesn’t love you … then what? What kind of a horrid person are you that your own mother can’t love you?
Well that’s how my mind dealt with it and it’s a dreadful conversation. It lead me to a lifestyle of self-destruction and worthlessness.
I’ve moved passed that, thank goodness, but it’s still hard to resolve that need to be nurtured and loved unconditionally by my mother. I came to my own resolution as to how I was going to move beyond my mom’s need to shun me and every year I honor my authentic self and do what’s best for me, knowing that no matter what I do or say it’s not going to change anything.
That’s the first key to all of this, in my opinion. NO expectation of resolving the issue or fixing anything. The first year I sent my mom a message through facebook (the only way I can reach her), she actually responded and my heart skipped a beat with all the anticipation of how we were going to move beyond all the nonsense and reconnect. But I quickly reminded myself two things, one: I didn’t send her a message with the hope of fixing anything and two: she’s not going to change based on one Happy Mother’s Day message.
The second key to dealing with these types of situations with family members is FORGIVENESS. Before I can behave authentically and with unconditional love, I have to forgive my mom. When I was working on my relationship with my oldest daughter, it dawned on me as I was explaining how I didn’t have a parent manual and I did the best I could with what I had and I thought I was making the right choices, that my mom probably could say all the very same things. So who was I to judge her ability to be a great mom or not? And she didn’t have easy choices to make around the time of my birth. So I connected to my compassion and forgave my mom for all the ‘wrongs’ I felt she had done while my sisters and I were growing up.
Once you forgive someone, the rest is easy really. How can you maintain any kind of anger or judgement towards someone you feel compassion for? It doesn’t take away my pain or my need for a mother figure in my life but I don’t hate on her anymore and I can actually honor her on Mother’s Day … cause after all, she’s still my mom – the woman who birthed me and cared for my physical needs as a small child. And that’s worth acknowledging.
So what do you do on Mother’s Day when you’re estranged from your mom? You honor the role she’s played in your life, respect her struggle, forgive her and unconditionally love her for the imperfect humanbeing that she is. You can either send her a message or a card or you just send it out to the Universe for it to be delivered by the Angels.
And if you’re like me and estranged from your mother or she’s passed away, I wish you a very healing Mother’s Day.